Goodbye to my dad...

I deleted my dad's e-mail from my contacts list. Ironically Lucinda Williams' song "Out of Touch" was playing as I did this. My dad's been dead for two years now. Sometimes I still daydream he's alive and he's won the national championship (my dad was a football coach for those who don't know or remember). That's how I related to him pretty much, as a coach. He wasn't a really great father, and I'm sad to say this. But I learned some great values from him, mostly watching him coach. He had an unfailing belief in victory. He always believed in me, when mostly I didn't believe in myself. In that respect he was a terrific father. He could be very, VERY funny. He had a mean temper. He sacrificed his family for his career, and, to some degree, regretted this. I miss him... I miss him VERY much. I'm still angry with him (I'm often angry anyway). My eyes are tearing up as I write this with a lump in my throat. I cried pretty hard at his funeral. So much pain. I miss him so VERY much. How do you fucking deal with loss? You live with it. You carry on. It's fucked up, you know? I tried to talk to him, wrote him letters, he tried to understand me when often I didn't understand myself. I deal with this the best I can, but it's fucked up. But then life isn't pretty or easy. It's a bitch sometimes. My dad had great taste in music- he influenced me a lot in this area. He was VERY opinionated (and usually pretty conservative) to which I rebelled and LOUDLY stated MY goddamn opinions. I'm still doing this lol!
Oh well... let go. Let go. I took out his name, address, & phone number from my address book a long time ago, but never could get myself to delete his e-mail address. I just couldn't let go. Couldn't. fuck this hurts. death sucks, period. i hate this. it just hurts sooooo much. but i'll carry on. if you've lost someone then maybe you know how I feel. it sucks, it's shitty. i'm gonna go listen to some more Lucinda Williams & cry. Peace out.....