so i'm listening to the jefferson starship's "find your way back." i LOVE this song!! yeah the incarnation of the band as the jefferson airplane were a LOT cooler, but damn greg chaquito's voice is a wonder to hear! anyway it makes me think, what am i trying to find my way back TO? find a way back... find a way back... find YOUR way back. "find your way back to the heart" is the lyric. yeah, that makes sense. find your way back to YOUR heart, find your way back to THE heart. go back, get back, get down. it's all about the rhythm of life, the melodies you hear. i'm pretty much lost in my own world of fantasy, music, dreams, crashing with the hard realities of life. but, i think... i hope... well maybe i can get back, find my way back.
it's not easy.
it's hard.
and i'm not sure just WHERE i'll end up. i'm not a young man anymore, i'm nearing middle age. it seems I should "grow up," but i've never experienced so much of life. i never pursued a lot of the dreams in my mind. i just figured out a way to survive. i'm still pretty much trying to do that. at this current juncture in my life, i've found stability: a steady job going on 3 years now. i got a nice little apartment. i got good clothes, good food. i got public transportation to get me where i need to go. i got the city of Dallas with all the crime, Republicanism, and too many live music venues that i can't go to cuz i don't have the $$. so i'm relatively happy. i got my oldest sister fairly close by, a few friends I see occasionally. and, yes, YES, i'm losing weight!!! i weighed 223 in September, and just yesterday I weighed 205!!! i'm gonna get down to my target weight of 160, darken my hair & get laid a LOT.. lol. well maybe.... well yeah! i'm a good looking guy, it's just i've never been comfortable in my own skin... but that's changing. so maybe I can still get a little wild and then grow up some more.
i miss writing concert & record reviews. i really do. i need to get some stuff sent off to some editors. usually nothing happens, but you gotta keep knocking on doors. i mean look at my friend Beth Garner- works her ass off chasing musical notes, from dallas to austin and now in nashville. work. work. dream about it & then work at it. i would rather dream about it.... lol. it's easier.
so find my way back... keep writing. keep looking to the sky. feel the earth. and try and connect.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
The Wonder of Stevie (Review of Stevie Wonder's concert @ Nokia on Thursday night)
There are times in life, moments, minutes, hours when all is right with the world. These moments are fleeting and few. They're where you tell yourself, "yes, love will conquer all evil." You say it, over and over, again and again. The cynicism creeps in, you tell yourself it's all bullshit anyway and nobody really cares. But for those moments when you truly believe love will conquer all evil, it's as if all the pain stopped, all the hurt is gone. There are no young women brutally murdered in Kansas, no angry young men shooting innocent people in a shopping mall, no racial tensions in Louisiana. None of it is reality, because at that moment, love IS conquering all evil. Tonight I have had one of those moments, courtesy of Stevie Wonder.
Stevie opens the show, dedicating it to his departed mother; he walks, arms linked with his daughter Aisha (also a singer in his band) and the passion begins to pour. Stevie's Innervisions start early, rocking through "Golden Lady," Higher Ground," and a fierce "Living For the City." Nokia Theater is up, dancing, swirling, black and white folks, young and old, feeling IT, believing IT.
An eight piece band pushes, catapulting rhythms play in the air, bounding effortlessly through Stevie's melodies. Two percussionists, a drummer, wicked bass player. It really IS happening. The white dude down front in a western cut shirt, black Stetson, dancing as if his heart would burst. Four middle aged black women, dressed as only success demands it, laughing, teasing each other, clapping their hands.
And Stevie. Preaching the gospel of love, not guns, peace, not war. Preaching it, telling it, singing it. We are in church, and there is no creed but music. "Ribbon In The Sky" twists and turns, floating softly, then turning into a jam session funk. Stevie cracks jokes, maybe a little too much, but they're nasty and funny. He has a dirty mind, but it's funny as hell, he says "Rick James" and the audience howls.
And then the climax, the sermon and orgasm all at once. The songs tumble and roll over, the entire audience, all the way up into the balcony, dancing, swaying, sweating. "Fingertips," a mid-song countrified break on "Signed, Sealed, & Delivered" cooked up just for Nashville; "Uptight, Alright," "I Was Made To Love Her," it feels as if Heaven is opening up, the angels coming down. "Sir Duke," "I Wish," spill out as if righteousness were simply a soulful melody. And "Superstition," the crowd is lost in the bliss of the moment. Stevie talks of love, love, love one another no matter what faith. Stevie says God can't be calling us to kill one another. Stevie asks us to love. You believe it, because HE says it, sings it, and the music takes you higher. Even "I Just Called To Say I Love You" finds a groove and sounds so much funkier than the tepid studio version. Stevie can do no wrong, only love.
Just for a moment. For two and a half hours. If it can be this beautiful for such a brief time, why can't it become the norm? Stevie says so, I believe it. Just for a moment.
Stevie opens the show, dedicating it to his departed mother; he walks, arms linked with his daughter Aisha (also a singer in his band) and the passion begins to pour. Stevie's Innervisions start early, rocking through "Golden Lady," Higher Ground," and a fierce "Living For the City." Nokia Theater is up, dancing, swirling, black and white folks, young and old, feeling IT, believing IT.
An eight piece band pushes, catapulting rhythms play in the air, bounding effortlessly through Stevie's melodies. Two percussionists, a drummer, wicked bass player. It really IS happening. The white dude down front in a western cut shirt, black Stetson, dancing as if his heart would burst. Four middle aged black women, dressed as only success demands it, laughing, teasing each other, clapping their hands.
And Stevie. Preaching the gospel of love, not guns, peace, not war. Preaching it, telling it, singing it. We are in church, and there is no creed but music. "Ribbon In The Sky" twists and turns, floating softly, then turning into a jam session funk. Stevie cracks jokes, maybe a little too much, but they're nasty and funny. He has a dirty mind, but it's funny as hell, he says "Rick James" and the audience howls.
And then the climax, the sermon and orgasm all at once. The songs tumble and roll over, the entire audience, all the way up into the balcony, dancing, swaying, sweating. "Fingertips," a mid-song countrified break on "Signed, Sealed, & Delivered" cooked up just for Nashville; "Uptight, Alright," "I Was Made To Love Her," it feels as if Heaven is opening up, the angels coming down. "Sir Duke," "I Wish," spill out as if righteousness were simply a soulful melody. And "Superstition," the crowd is lost in the bliss of the moment. Stevie talks of love, love, love one another no matter what faith. Stevie says God can't be calling us to kill one another. Stevie asks us to love. You believe it, because HE says it, sings it, and the music takes you higher. Even "I Just Called To Say I Love You" finds a groove and sounds so much funkier than the tepid studio version. Stevie can do no wrong, only love.
Just for a moment. For two and a half hours. If it can be this beautiful for such a brief time, why can't it become the norm? Stevie says so, I believe it. Just for a moment.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Emily Sander / Zoey Zane
One more car out on the road there
You might pass on your way home
Someone's sister, someone's wife or
Just some bitch whos probably got no life
-"One More Girl" written by Patti Griffin, as recorded by The Wreckers
I know I said I would be writing on this blog more often, obviously I've slipped a bit. So many things I've wanted to blog about, but just didn't force myself to do it. Well here's a BIG ONE. A MAJOR big one. So here goes.... (breathe deep Dave, breathe & let it out)
I LIKE PORN. *gasp* Yes, I like porn.
Ok, so what? Lots of people like porn. Some people are addicted to it, some people think it's completely stupid and/or immoral.
Some people use it for masturbation, some people use it to stimulate their sexual activities with their mate(s). Some people just like to get stoned/drunk and laugh at it (because, god knows, a lot of it is outright funny).
To say I have had, and to some extent continue to have, a love/hate relationship with porn is an understatement. But I've become more comfortable with it, and telling people I like it. And let's get this out of the way: I like porn with CONSENTING ADULTS- no kids, no animals. That stuff is disgusting, illegal, and abusive. I don't think porn featuring consenting adults is abusive.
Yes, many women (probably all of my sisters) think porn is degrading and exploitive. There are feminists who disagree. There are men who think it's degrading & exploitive. That debate continues. I will stand and take fire for my likes, desires, dreams, and nightmares. So go ahead....
We all must make moral decisions in our lives. We all have our sexual hang-ups and desires. We ARE and WILL BE sexual beings whether we have a mate or not. We think about it, dream about it, detest it, run to and from it, but it's a part of our lives. We make moral decisions about our sexual behaviors based on a myriad of sources.
The above are LARGE debates. They will continue. I can only hope it leads to a more open society about sexuality. Most people are caught between porn valley's (in reference to the San Fernando Valley in California, where probably 75% of the world's porn is made) mantra of "hey, it's cool, everyone is doing it all the time" and the extreme religious/moral point of view that says "sex is dirty, save it until marriage, and ONLY to make babies!" Most people find neither view reflective of their sexual lives nor do they find such blathering helpful.
Porn is a 9 billion (yes billion with a B) dollar-a-year business. It IS a business. There are millions and millions of decent, kind, loving, happy people who like porn.
Maybe you've read about Emily Sander, an 18 year old super cute college student from El Dorado, Kansas. She led a so-called "secret" life as an internet porn star named Zoey Zane. Emily Sander is dead. She is dead, not to walk this earth again. Zoey Zane lives on in pictures and video- though the site http://www.zoeyzane.com is still up, it no longer has her pictures, just information about Emily's murder and a reward for the capture & conviction of her killer. A man named Isreal Mireles is wanted for questioning in her murder. Emily was last seen w/ Mr. Mireles, and his hotel room was spattered with blood. Her body was found 50 miles east of El Dorado. These are the facts. Cold and hard.
You can do a Google search on "Zoey Zane" and find many of her nude pictures and videos. They're all pretty much like Playboy type pictures, with only a few explicit ones. She's not having sex w/ ANYONE in these pictures, mostly just nude. One video features her masturbating with a dildo. Really not much in the "hard core" sense. Most certainly it's VERY tame compared to XXX material.
People can decry her choice of employment, her choice of making money. It's possible she was heading towards a hard core XXX porn career, it's possible she was going to keep things at the level she was at, what she was obviously comfortable with. She made her decision. She did NOTHING illegal. She did NOTHING that killed anyone, maimed anyone, or blew up skyscrapers filled with innocent people. She posed nude, she put her sexual self on display.
Sure, her family might have been emotionally hurt. Her boyfriend broke up with her over her decision. She may have hurt some friends (although none reported being upset by her actions).
There are those who will scorn her for her "whorish behavior." There are those will will say her "lifestyle" choices put her in danger. There are those will say she harmed society by her actions (demeaning all women, demeaning sexuality, etc.). There are those who will say she is damned to hell by God for her sexual "perversions."
There are those who will celebrate her decision to publicly explore her sexuality. There are those who will declare her to be a smart woman due to the fact that she probably made more money doing porn in a week than she could have made working in an office as a low-paid secretary for six months. There are those will simply say "wow, she was so hot, and I got off on her pictures- I"m glad she did it!"
Whatever the case, she's dead. She was murdered. There are those who will say she got what she deserved. I say a loud "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS" because she DID NOT deserve her fate. NO HUMAN BEING DESERVES TO BE BUTCHERED LIKE A DOG. She may have been turning tricks & Isreal Mireles was a customer. SHE DID NOT DESERVE TO DIE. NO ONE HAD THE RIGHT TO MURDER HER. Can I make this MORE clear? EMILY SANDER, AKA ZOEY ZANE, WAS A HUMAN BEING. SHE DESERVED THE BASIC RESPECT THAT ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES. Got that straight????
I hurt SO MUCH for this girl, her family, and friends. I feel bad that I looked at her naked pictures (though I was not aroused by them- she sure was cute though!). Are those of us who watch porn & buy the stuff guilty, to some extent, for her fate? I suppose that argument can be made. But we did not kill her. We did not force her to do what she did. She did it, seemed to have fun with it, and got paid. She's dead now.
Whatever you may think of porn, the peformers who make it ARE human beings. They have thoughts, dreams, hurts, desires, feelings. I've been reading two blogs by porn performers. I STRONGLY suggest you read them- you don't have to join the websites to read these blogs. Penny Flame, an absolutely gorgeous & extremely funny porn star, keeps an ongoing blog at http://www.clubpenny.com Joanna Angel, another funny porn star, keeps a blog at http://www.joannaangel.com You will read deeply personal blogs of these women's lives, not the publicity bullshit put out by the companies they work for. These blogs will shock you, make you laugh, make you cry, and make you realize just how HARD (no pun intended) these women work in their careers. I suggest you watch the band Rilo Kiley's video for "The Moneymaker." It features three porn stars & the song is simply about the money involved in porn. I saw Rilo Kiley's recent Dallas gig, and they are fantastic! The video features interviews with several other porn stars- watch it at http://themoneymake.com/themoneymaker.html (*warning: there is NO nudity, but there IS explicit language in the interviews)
Lastly I STRONGLY, STRONGLY urge you to go to http://www.aim-med.org/ This is the site for the Adult Industry Healthcare Foundation. They provide HIV and STD testing for the performers, and they do counseling services. They have two videos on the site to watch for people becoming porn performers- these videos do contain some adult images & explicit language but they will simply blow your mind because they talk about performing porn as a BUSINESS and how the performers can take care of themselves. I gave a $30.00 donation to AIM simply because I think the work they're doing is VITAL to keeping the performers I've enjoyed watching alive!
I hurt for Emily Sander, AKA Zoey Zane. I honestly do. I was born & lived my first 9 years in small town Kansas. She had family & friends who loved her. The vast majority of her fans would NEVER, EVER dream of hurting her. She's dead. Say a prayer for her. Do I believe she's damned for eternity? Simply, NO. I don't know where my involvment with porn will go- maybe I'll stop, maybe I'll watch more. All I know is Emily Sander, just like any other porn star, just like any other human being deserved to LIVE. She's dead now. Her life cut short at 18 years. I just hurt so much....
R.I.P EMILY SANDER, AKA ZOEY ZANE.
You might pass on your way home
Someone's sister, someone's wife or
Just some bitch whos probably got no life
-"One More Girl" written by Patti Griffin, as recorded by The Wreckers
I know I said I would be writing on this blog more often, obviously I've slipped a bit. So many things I've wanted to blog about, but just didn't force myself to do it. Well here's a BIG ONE. A MAJOR big one. So here goes.... (breathe deep Dave, breathe & let it out)
I LIKE PORN. *gasp* Yes, I like porn.
Ok, so what? Lots of people like porn. Some people are addicted to it, some people think it's completely stupid and/or immoral.
Some people use it for masturbation, some people use it to stimulate their sexual activities with their mate(s). Some people just like to get stoned/drunk and laugh at it (because, god knows, a lot of it is outright funny).
To say I have had, and to some extent continue to have, a love/hate relationship with porn is an understatement. But I've become more comfortable with it, and telling people I like it. And let's get this out of the way: I like porn with CONSENTING ADULTS- no kids, no animals. That stuff is disgusting, illegal, and abusive. I don't think porn featuring consenting adults is abusive.
Yes, many women (probably all of my sisters) think porn is degrading and exploitive. There are feminists who disagree. There are men who think it's degrading & exploitive. That debate continues. I will stand and take fire for my likes, desires, dreams, and nightmares. So go ahead....
We all must make moral decisions in our lives. We all have our sexual hang-ups and desires. We ARE and WILL BE sexual beings whether we have a mate or not. We think about it, dream about it, detest it, run to and from it, but it's a part of our lives. We make moral decisions about our sexual behaviors based on a myriad of sources.
The above are LARGE debates. They will continue. I can only hope it leads to a more open society about sexuality. Most people are caught between porn valley's (in reference to the San Fernando Valley in California, where probably 75% of the world's porn is made) mantra of "hey, it's cool, everyone is doing it all the time" and the extreme religious/moral point of view that says "sex is dirty, save it until marriage, and ONLY to make babies!" Most people find neither view reflective of their sexual lives nor do they find such blathering helpful.
Porn is a 9 billion (yes billion with a B) dollar-a-year business. It IS a business. There are millions and millions of decent, kind, loving, happy people who like porn.
Maybe you've read about Emily Sander, an 18 year old super cute college student from El Dorado, Kansas. She led a so-called "secret" life as an internet porn star named Zoey Zane. Emily Sander is dead. She is dead, not to walk this earth again. Zoey Zane lives on in pictures and video- though the site http://www.zoeyzane.com is still up, it no longer has her pictures, just information about Emily's murder and a reward for the capture & conviction of her killer. A man named Isreal Mireles is wanted for questioning in her murder. Emily was last seen w/ Mr. Mireles, and his hotel room was spattered with blood. Her body was found 50 miles east of El Dorado. These are the facts. Cold and hard.
You can do a Google search on "Zoey Zane" and find many of her nude pictures and videos. They're all pretty much like Playboy type pictures, with only a few explicit ones. She's not having sex w/ ANYONE in these pictures, mostly just nude. One video features her masturbating with a dildo. Really not much in the "hard core" sense. Most certainly it's VERY tame compared to XXX material.
People can decry her choice of employment, her choice of making money. It's possible she was heading towards a hard core XXX porn career, it's possible she was going to keep things at the level she was at, what she was obviously comfortable with. She made her decision. She did NOTHING illegal. She did NOTHING that killed anyone, maimed anyone, or blew up skyscrapers filled with innocent people. She posed nude, she put her sexual self on display.
Sure, her family might have been emotionally hurt. Her boyfriend broke up with her over her decision. She may have hurt some friends (although none reported being upset by her actions).
There are those who will scorn her for her "whorish behavior." There are those will will say her "lifestyle" choices put her in danger. There are those will say she harmed society by her actions (demeaning all women, demeaning sexuality, etc.). There are those who will say she is damned to hell by God for her sexual "perversions."
There are those who will celebrate her decision to publicly explore her sexuality. There are those who will declare her to be a smart woman due to the fact that she probably made more money doing porn in a week than she could have made working in an office as a low-paid secretary for six months. There are those will simply say "wow, she was so hot, and I got off on her pictures- I"m glad she did it!"
Whatever the case, she's dead. She was murdered. There are those who will say she got what she deserved. I say a loud "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS" because she DID NOT deserve her fate. NO HUMAN BEING DESERVES TO BE BUTCHERED LIKE A DOG. She may have been turning tricks & Isreal Mireles was a customer. SHE DID NOT DESERVE TO DIE. NO ONE HAD THE RIGHT TO MURDER HER. Can I make this MORE clear? EMILY SANDER, AKA ZOEY ZANE, WAS A HUMAN BEING. SHE DESERVED THE BASIC RESPECT THAT ANY HUMAN BEING DESERVES. Got that straight????
I hurt SO MUCH for this girl, her family, and friends. I feel bad that I looked at her naked pictures (though I was not aroused by them- she sure was cute though!). Are those of us who watch porn & buy the stuff guilty, to some extent, for her fate? I suppose that argument can be made. But we did not kill her. We did not force her to do what she did. She did it, seemed to have fun with it, and got paid. She's dead now.
Whatever you may think of porn, the peformers who make it ARE human beings. They have thoughts, dreams, hurts, desires, feelings. I've been reading two blogs by porn performers. I STRONGLY suggest you read them- you don't have to join the websites to read these blogs. Penny Flame, an absolutely gorgeous & extremely funny porn star, keeps an ongoing blog at http://www.clubpenny.com Joanna Angel, another funny porn star, keeps a blog at http://www.joannaangel.com You will read deeply personal blogs of these women's lives, not the publicity bullshit put out by the companies they work for. These blogs will shock you, make you laugh, make you cry, and make you realize just how HARD (no pun intended) these women work in their careers. I suggest you watch the band Rilo Kiley's video for "The Moneymaker." It features three porn stars & the song is simply about the money involved in porn. I saw Rilo Kiley's recent Dallas gig, and they are fantastic! The video features interviews with several other porn stars- watch it at http://themoneymake.com/themoneymaker.html (*warning: there is NO nudity, but there IS explicit language in the interviews)
Lastly I STRONGLY, STRONGLY urge you to go to http://www.aim-med.org/ This is the site for the Adult Industry Healthcare Foundation. They provide HIV and STD testing for the performers, and they do counseling services. They have two videos on the site to watch for people becoming porn performers- these videos do contain some adult images & explicit language but they will simply blow your mind because they talk about performing porn as a BUSINESS and how the performers can take care of themselves. I gave a $30.00 donation to AIM simply because I think the work they're doing is VITAL to keeping the performers I've enjoyed watching alive!
I hurt for Emily Sander, AKA Zoey Zane. I honestly do. I was born & lived my first 9 years in small town Kansas. She had family & friends who loved her. The vast majority of her fans would NEVER, EVER dream of hurting her. She's dead. Say a prayer for her. Do I believe she's damned for eternity? Simply, NO. I don't know where my involvment with porn will go- maybe I'll stop, maybe I'll watch more. All I know is Emily Sander, just like any other porn star, just like any other human being deserved to LIVE. She's dead now. Her life cut short at 18 years. I just hurt so much....
R.I.P EMILY SANDER, AKA ZOEY ZANE.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Goodbye to my dad...
I deleted my dad's e-mail from my contacts list. Ironically Lucinda Williams' song "Out of Touch" was playing as I did this. My dad's been dead for two years now. Sometimes I still daydream he's alive and he's won the national championship (my dad was a football coach for those who don't know or remember). That's how I related to him pretty much, as a coach. He wasn't a really great father, and I'm sad to say this. But I learned some great values from him, mostly watching him coach. He had an unfailing belief in victory. He always believed in me, when mostly I didn't believe in myself. In that respect he was a terrific father. He could be very, VERY funny. He had a mean temper. He sacrificed his family for his career, and, to some degree, regretted this. I miss him... I miss him VERY much. I'm still angry with him (I'm often angry anyway). My eyes are tearing up as I write this with a lump in my throat. I cried pretty hard at his funeral. So much pain. I miss him so VERY much. How do you fucking deal with loss? You live with it. You carry on. It's fucked up, you know? I tried to talk to him, wrote him letters, he tried to understand me when often I didn't understand myself. I deal with this the best I can, but it's fucked up. But then life isn't pretty or easy. It's a bitch sometimes. My dad had great taste in music- he influenced me a lot in this area. He was VERY opinionated (and usually pretty conservative) to which I rebelled and LOUDLY stated MY goddamn opinions. I'm still doing this lol!
Oh well... let go. Let go. I took out his name, address, & phone number from my address book a long time ago, but never could get myself to delete his e-mail address. I just couldn't let go. Couldn't. fuck this hurts. death sucks, period. i hate this. it just hurts sooooo much. but i'll carry on. if you've lost someone then maybe you know how I feel. it sucks, it's shitty. i'm gonna go listen to some more Lucinda Williams & cry. Peace out.....
Oh well... let go. Let go. I took out his name, address, & phone number from my address book a long time ago, but never could get myself to delete his e-mail address. I just couldn't let go. Couldn't. fuck this hurts. death sucks, period. i hate this. it just hurts sooooo much. but i'll carry on. if you've lost someone then maybe you know how I feel. it sucks, it's shitty. i'm gonna go listen to some more Lucinda Williams & cry. Peace out.....
A MISSION STATEMENT FOR THIS BLOG.
A Mission Statement: Why I'm publishing this blog.
In 2003 I actively protested the coming war in Iraq. At a rally here in Dallas, as I marched & chanted, I saw a woman holding a sign that read "what you're doing doesn't matter" (or to that effect). I dismissed such thoughts. Turns out she was correct, it didn't matter. President Bush had clearly made up his mind to attack Iraq and nothing would thwart his plans. Over the last four years watching this debacle unfold just as I knew it would, I've become more depressed and angry. I began to think about HOW change could come in my country, and if it was even worth the attempt to try. What was MY role in change?
In 2005 I viewed the movie "Downfall"- a harrowing, sad account of Hitler's final days in his bunker beneath Berlin. The film deeply disturbed me and I became more despondent. I began to research the Nazi reign of terror and found intelligent men and women dedicated to a debased ideology, thoroughly dedicated I might add. The first concentration camp the Nazis opened was Dachau, northwest of Munich, in 1933. The first prisoners of this hell on earth were political opponents of the Nazis, and then later Jews, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, and dissenting clergy. Basically if you publicly asked the above question in regards to the Nazis, "what is my role in change?" you signed away your life to imprisonment. If you questioned the regime but would recant or just shut your mouth, you might simply lose your job and interred to house imprisonment or just live in complete fear of everyone and everything. What a life to live! Knowing myself today, in the years preceding the Nazi takeover, I probably would have written letters to editors, participated in protests, and loudly told my family and friends exactly what I thought of these lowlifes. Then, once the lowlifes took power? What? Would I have had the courage to face torture, imprisonment, and probable death? I would like to think I would, but maybe I would have just crawled back into a hole & lived in fear, telling myself "I tried, it's not worth it, it doesn't matter, and I'm alive." Lots of people did exactly this. But that's not a way to live life.
Lastly I've been a music critic for the Dallas Music Guide. I didn't get paid for it, but got to review concerts & records. I enjoyed it, but it was difficult. I struggled with my reviews- were they "good"? People kept telling me I was a good writer, but I doubted & struggled, so much that sometimes I sunk to despair and simply wouldn't write. I screwed up a good thing. I love to write. I can carefully craft my opinions, ideas, and observations. I'm not the best public speaker, nor am the most outgoing of people (well I can be pretty cute & goofy, but it might be due to alcohol ha ha!) I wanted to GET PAID for writing, but didn't take the chances (mostly). I did some non-music journalism for a local paper & received payment, but didn't pursue it with much gusto.
So what does the preceding mean? It means: 1. Ask the questions, think the thoughts, contemplate your role in change.
2. The bastards will get you in the end anyway, so you might as well speak your mind. 3. Life is delicate, you might die tomorrow, so if you say outrageous things, do outrageous things, then you're just living your life. So live it.
Thus this blog is born. I will say what I want to say. I may say TOO much. I may reveal TOO much. I may aggravate people. It is NOT my intent to hurt anyone with my ideas, but some will be offended. To those, in advance, I say "I'm sorry." I can only hope people will read this, comment, discuss, pass these contemplations on to their friends & family. If a discussion can be gained from my ramblings, then I've done my job. Hopefully I'll make some new friends & strengthen the friendships I do have. Lastly I do hope I can convince editors to realize I DO have talent in writing and WILL take the chance and give me paid work. But if that doesn't happen, well I got my day job!
What to expect: record & concert reviews, rants & raves, interviews, stories, contemplations, diary entries, possible fiction and who knows what else. It's open...
In 2003 I actively protested the coming war in Iraq. At a rally here in Dallas, as I marched & chanted, I saw a woman holding a sign that read "what you're doing doesn't matter" (or to that effect). I dismissed such thoughts. Turns out she was correct, it didn't matter. President Bush had clearly made up his mind to attack Iraq and nothing would thwart his plans. Over the last four years watching this debacle unfold just as I knew it would, I've become more depressed and angry. I began to think about HOW change could come in my country, and if it was even worth the attempt to try. What was MY role in change?
In 2005 I viewed the movie "Downfall"- a harrowing, sad account of Hitler's final days in his bunker beneath Berlin. The film deeply disturbed me and I became more despondent. I began to research the Nazi reign of terror and found intelligent men and women dedicated to a debased ideology, thoroughly dedicated I might add. The first concentration camp the Nazis opened was Dachau, northwest of Munich, in 1933. The first prisoners of this hell on earth were political opponents of the Nazis, and then later Jews, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, and dissenting clergy. Basically if you publicly asked the above question in regards to the Nazis, "what is my role in change?" you signed away your life to imprisonment. If you questioned the regime but would recant or just shut your mouth, you might simply lose your job and interred to house imprisonment or just live in complete fear of everyone and everything. What a life to live! Knowing myself today, in the years preceding the Nazi takeover, I probably would have written letters to editors, participated in protests, and loudly told my family and friends exactly what I thought of these lowlifes. Then, once the lowlifes took power? What? Would I have had the courage to face torture, imprisonment, and probable death? I would like to think I would, but maybe I would have just crawled back into a hole & lived in fear, telling myself "I tried, it's not worth it, it doesn't matter, and I'm alive." Lots of people did exactly this. But that's not a way to live life.
Lastly I've been a music critic for the Dallas Music Guide. I didn't get paid for it, but got to review concerts & records. I enjoyed it, but it was difficult. I struggled with my reviews- were they "good"? People kept telling me I was a good writer, but I doubted & struggled, so much that sometimes I sunk to despair and simply wouldn't write. I screwed up a good thing. I love to write. I can carefully craft my opinions, ideas, and observations. I'm not the best public speaker, nor am the most outgoing of people (well I can be pretty cute & goofy, but it might be due to alcohol ha ha!) I wanted to GET PAID for writing, but didn't take the chances (mostly). I did some non-music journalism for a local paper & received payment, but didn't pursue it with much gusto.
So what does the preceding mean? It means: 1. Ask the questions, think the thoughts, contemplate your role in change.
2. The bastards will get you in the end anyway, so you might as well speak your mind. 3. Life is delicate, you might die tomorrow, so if you say outrageous things, do outrageous things, then you're just living your life. So live it.
Thus this blog is born. I will say what I want to say. I may say TOO much. I may reveal TOO much. I may aggravate people. It is NOT my intent to hurt anyone with my ideas, but some will be offended. To those, in advance, I say "I'm sorry." I can only hope people will read this, comment, discuss, pass these contemplations on to their friends & family. If a discussion can be gained from my ramblings, then I've done my job. Hopefully I'll make some new friends & strengthen the friendships I do have. Lastly I do hope I can convince editors to realize I DO have talent in writing and WILL take the chance and give me paid work. But if that doesn't happen, well I got my day job!
What to expect: record & concert reviews, rants & raves, interviews, stories, contemplations, diary entries, possible fiction and who knows what else. It's open...
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